The title of this post refers to a section in Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, in which Carnegie writes of how people ruined their lives, friendships, and families by getting over a some issue or another. Instead of letting go and cutting their losses, the people in question did everything they could possible to gain satisfaction after being slighted. Some even spent their fortune on lawyers and court cases in order to win in the end.
So about week ago, after I wrote about a problem I was having with work, some guy suggested that I was the source of the problem. That really got me angry.
Here I am trying to teach my classes, keeping up with the paperwork of lesson planning and grading, and keeping up with my Buddhist practices and next thing you know it some other teacher was giving me grief over printer paper.
Keep this in mind, there are protocols in the Thai school system that I am still trying to grasp. The only thing I am doing right is smiling like a clown so that everyone thinks I’m happy as a clam. I am also trying to get myself prepared to teach my classes to the best of my ability. The main reason why this printer paper argument flared up was partly because I was trying to print flashcards, tests papers, and other activities so that I can teach my classes. If I did anything wrong, it is out ignorance.
I was planning to write a series of articles defending myself and my viewpoints on to things like personal responsibility and agency; that I am responsible for how I act and not responsible for how others act.
I have always tried to be as courteous as I can with the coworker in question, so that was why I was taken aback by her contentious attitude. This is especially as in Thailand it is better to act with a “cool heart” i.e. “jai-yen” than with a “hot heart” aka “jai-ron”. So I felt she crossed the line in losing her “cool heart”. Plus, since she is an English teacher and it’s my first time in Thailand, I (perhaps wrongly) expected her to be able to least level with me little bit and explain what was the reason why she got angry instead expecting me to understand. Again, this is a case of cross-cultural communication.
But back to the whole writing a series of posts . . . .
I really wanted to show my side of the argument. I really wanted to talk about the times I had people hating on me. I wanted to write about the times I let their disdain for me get under my skin to a point I started hating myself. I also wanted to write about how I ignored other people’s disdain and prevailed. I even wanted to write about a similar situation about a friend of mine who also had a coworker with nasty designs on him, despite how he was one of the most popular people I’ve ever.
Wanting to write those posts filled my heart with such poison that I robbed myself of my happiness and peace of mind. In fact, today those emotions had a horrible effect on my teaching and even my kids didn’t want to follow my classes. I was even thinking of doing a midnight run sometime in the future and make my way back home to the good ole’ US of A.
Thankfully, through some weird mishaps in which I locked myself out of my apartment, I was forced to walk back and forth a few times between my place and the super’s house. During that walk I came to realize that there is no point in getting angry over some comment on a rant post. I was even thinking of closing this blog, but I feel like it’s going to amount to giving up. The same goes for making that midnight run. I’m staying in Thailand and I am going to make the best of it.
Here’s what I plan to do from here on out:
I’m still going to focus on my cultivation. I’m still going to write about what’s going on in my life, both good and bad. I’m still going to stay in Thailand for at least a year and try to be the best damn teacher I can be.
For those of you who is reading think I’m stupid, immature, evil, or just a plain jerk . . . . I’m sorry for that. I hope I didn’t give you an impression that I claim to be perfect because I know I am not. My reason why I am writing this blog, and practicing Buddhism, is so that I can get myself to be better man today than I was yesterday. Is my life a series a failures? Yes and no. I always do my best in everything I do, despite the fact that at times my best isn’t good enough.