My disbelief in the Law of Attraction (pt. 1)

“Holy Breakthrough Batman!” I said to myself as I was finished typing a post that night. I was part of a Law of Attraction network where we all had our own blogging space with our accounts. What was I typing up? I was typing a celebratory post in which I made a declaration of how I was finally over my problems and seeing hope for the first time in months.

Let me explain what led to this moment.

My supervisor-friend, Will, saw that I had a crush on a female coworker. I will call her Jenna. However, Will was frustrated that I wasn’t making any moves on her. One day after work, he told me that he’s going to help me “get the girl” even if it’s the last thing he did. For reasons I don’t want to get into, I didn’t take him seriously. We both had a long day of work, after all, and we were very tired. I figured he was blowing steam and would forget about his “vow” soon enough.

I was wrong.

Sure it did look like he was trying to help me get Jenna to like me, but really it was just an excuse for him to be abusive. Each day he would give me “missions” as what I should say to her and I never complied. He would then get punitive. He would either give me the evil eye or even would talk me down like a drill sergeant. “Come on, b***h! What’s wrong with you!? F******g do it!” The more I would ignore him, the pushier he got.

Before I go on, there was no way I could go and rat him out to management. It is a toxic organization where bullying is an accepted part of the job. Even if I were to report him to the top brass, they’d basically tell me to deal with it. Besides, there was another bully in the office who had in it for me and people talked about our rivalry at the water cooler. Even the executives would join in on the gossip. That’s a story for another day.

One day, Will decided to humiliate me in front of a few other coworkers just because I refused to take his orders. I could not forget the satisfied look in his eyes and that smirk. I thought I was his friend, that day I was mistaken. Soon after, I decided to end everything. I asked Jenna out and she politely rejected me. Soon after she rejected me, I went up to Will to let him know she didn’t like me that way.

Will made a pathetic apology and even complained how his life was so hard. He whined about how he couldn’t deal with his issues and decided to take his frustrations out on me. Outwardly, I told him I forgive him. Inwardly, not so much.

For a long time I was struggling with lots of emotions. Sure, I acted like everything was normal. I went to my office. I did my job. I would then clock out and go home. However, every day was a tsunami of emotions. I wanted to forgive Will since we were friends, but I also wanted to punch him in the face. I accepted Jenna’s rejection and had to accept her need in keeping distance away from me. I didn’t like it nor did I want things to end up that way. It was one those things I had to live with in bitterness. Worst of all, I didn’t feel safe going to work. I also felt miserable on the long, lonely drive back home.

Not to get into too much detail, but I also felt like I had little breathing room at home to process the drama that I went through. Let’s just say meditation was privilege and not a right.

It was like that for a good 8 months. My heart was dipped into a big vat of cynicism. Each day of living became a huge chore as chaotic feelings reigned in my brain parts. I did not know what to do with myself.

Since I had no other way of dealing with my emotions, I used my LOA blog at that site as an outlet. I wrote about how trapped I felt and how I could not seem to get myself out of this stupid situation. I wrote lots of pathetic things, but I was in distress. I felt completely powerless that time.

Thankfully, soon enough, things settled down a bit. That was when I decided to take up this self-study Shaolin Kung-fu course. It’s from a book that I bought long before and wanted to try it out. I wanted get myself back into training and this felt like this was a good way to start.

So I trained.

It was okay at first. I still went to work feeling unsafe. I still went back home very bitter and angry at the world. However, the Kung-fu training proved to be an oasis from life’s pettiness and stupidity.

I kept on the self-study program for a couple of weeks until . . . .

One night all that agony from the past 8 months welled-up and over-burdened my heart. That’ was when I metaphorically exploded like a volcano. As my eyes lit up and my body tightened, I went through the entire night’s workout like I was Bruce Lee. I moved fast, I hit hard, and expended all my energy into every move.

When I finished practicing the last technique, I found myself heavily breathing and drenched in sweat. As I stood there, I felt my mind emptied out. It was the first time in a long time I felt peace and tranquility.

Then an idea hit me!

I got a pen and a notebook and jotted down a list of affirmations. I basically wrote down affirmations appreciating the situation I was in, such as it was good that Jenna did reject me preventing any further emotional blackmail from Will. I also reminded myself that I can find a solution to my problems and that I will be able to overcome them soon enough.

Writing those affirmations alone freed me of my anguish and pain. I felt complete alleviation for the first time in what seemed like forever. I can finally live again!

After I took my shower, I decided I should go on to my blog and write about my newfound success. Considering that I used to write a lot of pathetic, whiny BS I feel I should write something positive and uplifting to show that things can become better. I wanted to give others hope that life will turn out well as long as one keeps on trying.

I wasn’t expecting much of a response on my blog. A lot of the other writers in the site tend to be self-absorbed so interactions were always minimal. For many of the members, they are too focused on wanting to be rich and successful. All they ever do is make a big show on how happy and positive they are. No matter, as long as I can acknowledge that things are turning around, I am okay. I might have a few people tell me “good job”, otherwise I didn’t expect too many internet high-fives. Either way, I wanted to show that I was finally over my self-pity.

Then something really unexpected happened.

Find out on part 2.

4 thoughts on “My disbelief in the Law of Attraction (pt. 1)

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