One of my biggest frustrations in life is that I work my ass off to improve myself in some area, whether in fitness or spirituality, only to have it ruined or close to ruined thanks to emotional vampires. I especially mean emotional vampires with a narcissistic personality disorder. While I train in marital arts, read ancient texts, or even struggle to meditate those same people do absolutely nothing of the sort. Many of them even indulge in their every desires. Yet, whenever they feel like, through emotional outbursts, snide comments, or simple betrayals they cause me much upset.
Yesterday was the case.
Part of the reason why my family has so much drama is that one member has a narcissistic personality disorder and is very much a high conflict person. A high conflict personality has a preoccupation with blaming others, especially one person, for all their problems yet does not seem to want to resolve their issues. In my case, I am the reason why everyone is miserable. Yet when I wanted to go back to Thailand, I was forbidden to do so.
I couldn’t even work.
I mean I was in the office and I was working, but battling with so many emotions affected my productivity. I was too distracted and too panicked to concentrate on my job. Of course, if I quit my job I will be called a bum and a lowlife by my family. The “nice” thing is I can tell them I am a bum and lowlife even if I still keep on working.
As a result of these upsets, I also couldn’t do my 2nd or 3rd readings. As a result of these upsets, I couldn’t even exercise and do qigong.
This has happened before and with different people. There was that guy Anson I knew in Korea. That guy Bosco I knew in Thailand. I also had an ex-girlfriend, also in Korea, who did everything she could to make sure I didn’t cultivate myself. I remember that smile she gave when I told her I stopped.
At work, I was thinking about all of those people and those issues. I thought about those types of people were always a part of my life and I struggle with maintaining whatever cultivation practice what I am doing while dealing with their drama.
What really gets to me to the most is that there is no chance for peaceful resolution. They have a kill or be killed mindset. No victory is too petty for them and yet no victory is enough. No matter how many times they got their way with me or I placate them, it is never enough and they will never relent.
The only way I know how to resolve this problem in a peaceful manner is to separate from them as far as possible. I know of this because once the other English teachers and I all ended our contracts and left for America or any other country, all this conflict disappeared. I would even email them to ask why they had a problem with me and many of them were like, “Yeah, we did fight a lot, but I forgot why.”
I remember why. I was trying to be happy with myself and they don’t think I deserve to be. Since they see me as imperfect, then I should feel miserable for the rest of my days.
In my current situation, it is hard for me to separate from my family. My work hours are crazy. I rack my brain on how I can get my paperwork in order. Sometimes, I have to work from home because I don’t have access to a car!
This whole situation has sapped my energy and willpower. At this moment, I work. I work a full time job and what little free time I have left I spend on cultivation such as qigong, exercise, and reading. I never read a novel or watch TV or play video games unless it is the weekend when I have more free time on my hands.
I never have fun from Monday thru Friday. The only way I can have free time is to stop with all these cultivation efforts. In Thailand or Korea it is a lot more possible. In America? Forget about it!
This is why I am at a point to give up all sorts of cultivation. Hell, I even wrote a post titled “This is the Last Workout I will ever do” for that same reason.
I know that when I give up any cultivation efforts, I have more time to fart around on the internet. I have more time to play video games, read bad sci-fi novels, and watch movies. I can have more time to wander about looking at the leaves while drinking a coffee.
Of course, I also know that if I give up on my cultivation I will struggle with this feeling of decay. I would not exercise which means my health will get worse with ages and atrophy. I would be stuck only knowing what I know, since I would not be learning anything new. I would be feeling shame for wasting what little time left, even the next 40 years is a little time, waiting until I die.
This is why I am going to take a couple of days off from cultivation. I will still exercise and do some of the readings. The rest of the time will be spent on whether or not I should cultivate myself more and how.